Merkin?

The other day a friend sent me a link about dying pubic hair. This led to a rather entertaining conversation based on the quality of short and curlys- Instead of explaining it I will post the conversation and for amusement purposes I will call my friend Betty.


Betty: made for us http://www.missbehavemag.com/2009/02/pube-dying/
let's do it

Me: yea i usually dye mine because it grows in blond and looks weird
but i havent been able to do it because my mom has been dying my hair
hahaha
kind of hard to explain why i need to take the dye upstairs quickly
or ask her to do it. just wrong.

Betty: yes
so wrong

Me: i think its starting to grow in gray. im old

Betty:oh boy
my eal hair gets grays
real

Me: you know when you see someones lawn and it looks like pathetic and weak and needs seeds?

Betty: yeah

Me: thats how i feel about my pubes

Betty: hahaha
not mine
you want some of mine?

Me:i wish i had a sick bush

Betty: i'll donate my stomach hair

Me: i would stick an afro pick in it
and be proud
instead i got like a fucking comb over

Betty: lol donald trump pubes

Me: yea i should just get a merkn
*merkin
and save myself the embarassment when i get laid

Betty: hahah wait did i miss something? is bush back in?

Me: i wonder if they sell merkin holders like instead of wig heads i get a plastic vagina to put it on while i sleep

Betty: LOLOLLLL>
stop i'm peeing myself

Me: anyway i gotta go get in the shower

Betty: have fun!

Me: yea i'll try not to shed a tear as i look down

End Convo.


So after all that it got me wondering, where in the hell do I find a merkin?

After some searching I came across www.merkinworld.com which offers custom hand-made merkins that you design and they create. Too extreme for what I was going for, I needed something to look natural and discreet. I found one on multiple wig sites listed as "merkin" but also as "chest hair" and looked like what a wookie crotch on its deathbed would look like- and was priced at $36.00 - a little expensive for an experiment. After about 45 mins browsing on my phone- I gave up. Then I remembered that I had given some fake cheap mustaches that we had extra at work (don't ask) to my mom for her crochet project. Apparently she wanted to incorporate them as bushes in a landscape. I thought maybe I would do the same thing. After snipping the mustache in half, I had a nice neat little runway strip worthy of some crotch shots. Since I refused to shave my natural hair, gluing it down with spirit gum was out of the question, but luckily it had some sticky tape on the back which was very useful in allowing me to live out my nice bush fantasy, but wouldn't suggest walking around with it sticky-taped to your VJ - in case it happened to fall out the side of your underwear. (yea excuse me you're stepping on my merkin)

So- the moral is- sometimes you just gotta use a mustache for a bush.

Cranky Lungs

ugh I feel like crap.

Symptoms:
*heavy lung feel- like i breathed in water by accident
*fatigue
*dizzy

Um remedies I am trying:
* double dose of airborne
* tylenol cold and sinus (the good shit)
* expired vicks vapor rub everywhere
*tea
*japanese snack food
*fresh air

i dont think its working maybe i should shower

Bridal Shower

Ok just got back from the first bridal shower that i've ever attended and proceeded to alienate myself typical creepy snake style.

List of creepy things I did:
-insisted on sitting in the furthest corner of the room and refused to give it up so friends could sit next to each other
- picked at my nails with the table confetti
- picked at my teeth with the table confetti
- told someone the table confetti looked like a dude making a puppet out of a woman's severed head
-insulted the beverages and told the bar tender i was dying of thirst
- cheated at the game that lets you take home the center piece
-took home 2 other people's favors plus mine so i'd have a set
- ate part of the favor- before dinner
- ripped a roll in half and put the other back (after picking at myself with the table confetti)
- wore all black
- loudly announced that the vibrator they chose as a gift was sucky with batteries
- announced that in front of my mom
-traded pieces of entree behind someone's back
- wore dark sunglasses inside
- refused to converse
- stole someone's napkin
- threw table confetti in the carafe of water
- put table confetti inside of the pen they were using to write addresses
-then stole the pen
- left after every meal course to have a cigarette
- didnt say hello to the bride's mom

yay for being socially awkward!

moral: I was bored as fuck for a few hours but made out like a bandit

Saving the World

I got no sleep. Well, fell asleep at work, went home and knit baby socks till 6:49 am. Then my tv decided to creep into my dreams and wake me up at 7:15am. Can't remember what it was about- not nearly as graphic as the dream I had earlier this week about Brittney Spears stealing my ovaries. Then I get a call from a friend who had a flat tire at 8:30am- thought he said he was in a fight and couldn't move- so I stumbled out of my house (nearly hallucinating ) to save the kids and get them to school! Totally forgot to put my cape on. Later on today I told some lady while waiting to get our cars inspected that 98% of people in the world are selfish and suck. I hope that made her feel better. Found out the people who changed my tires broke my tire sensors and now i need new ones.

moral of today: people suck and save the kids!